It hurts when you don’t have someone to go to.

When you see that, your love is now happy with someone else.

It hurts when she said “I’m sorry Eduard!”

But it is even harder for me to hear from her that…

“Eduard you really don’t understand me!”

I don’t know why she read my blogs.

I don’t know why she said that in my “So Rude!!” poem.

Maybe she just misunderstood it.

Maybe she just didn’t know what to say.

However, what hurts me the most,

Is for me to realize that I’ve written something

That made her feel sad.

I don’t know why,

But even if it wasn’t my fault,

I’m willing to accept it.

Debbie I’m sorry.

Not just to show you that I understand you and your situation,

But also to show you how much you mean to me.

Debbie I love you

Calling her, she will not talk.

Texting her, she will not reply.

Asking her to go out, she will not come.

Boundaries were now set.

We both know that this was the only way.

That one day I will just say,

“Debbie you’re so rude!”

“I can’t love you anymore!”

This should happen.

Or else there will come a time.

That one day she’ll just say,

“Eduard you’re so rude!”

“I can’t love you anymore!”

“You know that I have my Cyrus already!”

“But you don’t want to let me go!”

            Yesterday, it was one of the longest days in my life. Morning, I had a wonderful time with my superfriends_12 playing basketball and playstation. Afternoon, it was my time for Debbie, my superfriends were asking me to stay and just let go and forget about Debbie, they told me to move on, but I told them that I will go out with Debbie and our friends.

            Then there I was, I left my superfriends for her…I don’t like the feeling of me leaving my friends for a girl, but I know they will understand. I went home first then took a quick shower, and in 20 minutes, I was ready to leave. My mom doesn’t want me to leave but I kissed her goodbye. I really want to see my Angel that time.

            Evening, we ate at Greenwich and I had a wonderful time eating right next to my beloved Angel, we talked and found myself talking more about our past. (Debbie, Cyrus and me of course!)

            Then after our dinner, we decided to take the last full show of “House of the Flying Daggers”. It was a great movie. The story was about a love triangle of guy loving a girl and waiting for her for 3 years and when he went back for the girl it was to late for him since the girl was already in love with a guy that he only knew for 3 days. The ending of the story: the person who loved the girl for 3 years killed the girl for the reason that if he can’t have her no one will ever have her too. The girl chose to die to save the one other person that she only knew for 3 days.

            It was a good movie considering the fact that I was with my Angel that time.

When I went home and think about the movie and about us. (Debbie and I) I was thinking that maybe I was like the guy that loved the girl for three years and Cyrus was the one that she knew for only 3 days. Moreover, it was a torture for me to accept the fact that Cyrus was the one that Debbie chose. I know that killing a girl for love is very wrong; the guy did that because he doesn’t want to let the girl go. I know that I will never kill a girl for that same reason, but what if I’m killing her right now because I find myself going out with her because I just can’t let her go. I know I’m not in the position to take her out and see her just for the reason that I love her that much, it is the same as killing her just because of love.

            I went home. Thinking it was time for me to apply the lesson that I’ve learned in the movie, I gave her a beep in her cellphone saying that it will be our last “date” because I know from the start that it was wrong and it was not helping me to let her go. In addition, I told her that I love her that much that I am willing to undergo all these things; I am willing to let her go. I will still be there for her, I will still love her but I will not ask her out until the time that she will be free again. I know I have said it to myself a couple of times before that I will do it, but now I will really do it, because if I didn’t, I may find myself one day that I’ve killed her already, and worst than that, I’ve killed myself too.

            However, one thing’s for sure, the guy in the movie and me have a big difference when it comes to loving someone… I love Debbie, and all I want is her happiness even if it’s not me as long as she’s happy.

            I really love her…

It was the last agape of u-belt sfc…at syempre d me pahuhuli! Marami ata fud dun at higit sa lahat isa un sa mga chance ko para makita ko ang angel ko dun…un nga lang syempre wid her bf na. huhuhu!

Masaya naman ang pagpunta ko doon, esp nakasama ko ang aking mga new friends na sila she at anna…grabe! Cool talaga silang kasama…feeling ko nga sobrang magcclick kami ng mga new friends ko na dorm8 ni Debbie…pro bkit kya kmi ni Debbie di nagcclik?

O wel, sobrang raming fud…marami ako nakain…at pinaka nagustuhan ko ay ung cake…not knowing na un pla ay dala ni Debbie! Pero syempre gusto ko ipakita kay Cyrus na bf ni deb na wla me intention n agawin pa si deb, kya pinilit ko na maging cold kay deb…sa abot nang aking makakaya! Ayaw ko sana pro un ang nakikita kong dapt gawin, dapt dedma lang at wag 2mingin if evr mglalapit cla…sympre d naalis ang tuksuan sa crowd para sa knilang 2 kc may nagbgay ba nmn ng parang futre telling na clad w ay magkk2luyan sa future at magkkaank pa! I brodcst daw bas a crowd ng MC kahit andun ako! Muntik na akong mabulunan sa kinakain ko…

Pero nagulat ako ng lumapit sa akin c deb at tinanong ako kng kmain na ako ng cake, sbi ko d pa kc mkha nmng d masarap un pro deep insyd, nakaka 3 cke na ako! Den bgla sya ulit lumapit sa akin, hawak nya ang sa tingin ko na last slice ng cake dun n kahit maliit sya eh cute pa rin…at iyon…iyon ang pinaka masarap na pagkain na nakain ko dat nyt! Sobrang cake from heaven nab gay sakin ng aking Angel Debbie!

Kaya lng syempre d ko maiwasan na malngkot at maging cold sa knya ng magbbye na  sya kc sympre lam ko andun si bf para maghatid at hindi ako…sad pro kailngan umuwi ako ng magisa…gs2 ko sya maging masaya sbi ko sa isip ko kya hanggang sa sulyap,tingin at panaginip na lng about her ang magagawa ko…umuwi ako, mga 9 something na nun…buti na lng at madilim na…d ko napansin, umiiyak na pla ako sa jip…ang corny man kng iisipin pro d ko mapigilan, I dnt knw y pro alm ko mahal ko tlaga ang angel ko…Debbie patawarin mo ako…for loving u dis much! Hindi ung fud kundi ikaw p rin ang pinakamagandang bagay na matatanggap ko sa buhay ko as of now…next to God!

            Nagchruch ako sa Catholic church and nagmadali pauwi para tapusin ang mga pinagagawa sa akin sa house. I don’t know what made me finish the work as soon as possible, I went to my favorite place in my crib…the phone! Dialed a number, 2726891…it was my Angel’s landline. She was not in their house, maybe deep inside of me I want to talk to her, I really miss her. I dialed a number again, it was 4280595, and the number of our clubhouse in SFC, and it was my Angel’s voice that I first heard, I was so happy to hear her! I can’t explain how I felt that time, I want to talk to her for one whole day, or maybe I wanted to talk and be with her for a lifetime. I asked her if she will go to our church and until I found myself asking her if I could pick her up. She said yes, and after we put down the phone, I quickly fixed myself and in ten minutes, I was ready to leave.

            Ang nasa clubhouse na ako, hindi ko maexplain ang kaba na nararamdaman ko, hindi ko sana gustong gawin ito pero heto ako na hindi nakapagpigil. Pagkaalis sa clubhouse, kumain kami sa Ninang’s, nilibre niya ako…grabeh ang sweet diba?! Pero what made me feel special that time was the feeling when she told me na…” I like your shirt” and “ang aliwalas ng mukha mo ah”… di ko alam kung paano ako magrereact nun, pero I told her na ayaw ko talaga siyang i-meet ngaun dahil alam ko na mali, pero eto ako nagpadala sa nararamdaman ko, pero sabi niya “ako rin naman, sabi ko di muna pero di ko alam kung bakit ako nakikipagkita sa iyo” alam naman naming na mali na makipagkita pero magkaibigan naman kasi kami…after kumain dumiretso sa church sakay sa bus!

            Gusto kong sumigaw at umiyak at the same time…sa buong araw na magkasama kami, simula sa clubhouse, sa Ninang’s, sa bus, sa church at sa panonood ng Shark tale! It was really something good na ibinigay ni Lord sa akin…masaya ako. Sobrang saya ko na di na yata naalis ang smile sa mukha ko.

            Nang aalis na siya, nagstart na akong malungkot, sobrang di ko akalain na ayaw ko ng bitawan ang chance, time at opportunity na ibinigay sa akin ni Lord na makasama ko siya! pinakita ko sa kanya yung sinabi ni Oscar sa Shark tale na “im a nobody without u” pero nacornihan ata siya, di ko naman masisisi kasi siguro corny naman talaga. Nang umalis na siya, I looked up sa mga stars, hoping na sana yung isang star na nakikita ko noon ay nakatingin din siya doon.

            Paguwi ko galing sa mga trip ng mga ka church ko, tumawag agad ako sa kanila, ok naman na siya at mukha namang nagenjoy…sabi pa niya, naiintindihan naman niya ang mga text ko na explainng why I wanted her to stay pa nang mas matagal with me. Matapos naming mag-usap tumawag ako sa friend ko, pinagalitan ako kasi concern siya sa akin…sabi niya… “ sa huli ang bagay na mali ay hinding hindi magpapasaya sa iyo.”

            Sobrang pagbaba ko nang phone, pinagisipan ko ang lahat…mali nga talaga ako dahil in the first place, nakipagkita ako sa kanya knowing na sa sarili ko, I still love her! Kung ako kaya ang nasa kalagayan ng guy matutuwa rin ba ako kung ganon? Sa huli, eto ako nagiisip kung dapat pa ba kaming magkita until the time na wala na ang feelings ko for her…eh paano ang friendship? Anong kailangan kong gawin? Ayokong gumawa ng mali pero ang pakiramdam ko pag kasama ko na siya, lahat nagiging tama. Mahal na mahal ko ang taong ito, parang di ko na ata kaya talaga siyang iwan.

            Sabi nga, ang bagay na mali ay hindi makakapagpasaya sa iyo, pero kung mali siya, bakit siya ang kaligayahan ko? Hindi kaya hindi ako ang nagkamali kundi siya talaga? Pero mukha namang masaya siya with her Cyrus…ano ba ito?!

            Ngayong gabing ito, kung may isang taong sobrang makakapagpaligaya sa akin…si Debbie lang iyon.

            Kung may isang bagay na mangyayari para sa kaligayahan ko, makasama at maging akin lang siya.

            At kung may isang dahilan na pumipigil sa akin sa aking kaligayahan, iyon ay dahil hindi naman siya sa akin.

            At kung ang bituwin na tinitignan ko kanina ay baba at magbibigay ng isang hiling sa akin…gaya nang dati hihilingin ko pa rin na… maging masaya lang ang mahal ko kahit hindi ako, sigurado matatanggap ko rin ito balang araw.

            Sa ngaun, gusto ko na lang magpahinga at kahit sa panaginip man lang mabigyan ako ng pagkakataon na makasama ko ulit siya. Debbie, ano kailngan kong gawin…mahal na mahal pa rin kita!!!

Love is...
What makes a weak man brave
And a king step off his thrown
Good times, bad times
Easy times, tough times
It comes in an instant
And lasts three days after forever
That's what love is.

I am afraid to love, and yet I love you.
My fear is like a wall I walk right through.
The wall is there, and yet it doesn't stop me.
I need it still, and yet I still need you.

I know someday we will be in a field
Surrounded by the blessing of the sky.
I'll dance with all the freedom of pure joy,
Needing you without a reason why.

But now I'm still afraid that I might lose you,
That you might not accept my desperate need.
You make me laugh, cry, and be completely.
You are the flower, I the slender reed.